I want to talk about my baby sister. All her life I have wanted to protect her and take care of her. She's nine yrs younger than me. I remember getting into my first car accident because I was rushing out of the yard to pick her up from school. I was late. I couldn't stand it when she got hurt. I fixed her boo-boos, and I ignored her alot when I turned 15. I always wanted a little sister. For some reason I couldn't save her from all the tomrnet she managed to get herself into. She got into some bad things as a kid. Alot of stuff she never talked about and still doesn't. I still want to take care of her. I still worry about her. But not obssesively like I used to. She has put my family through alot of SHIT, mostly my mom. BUT, even though she's done that and made some bad decisions her heart is soo generous. She is kind, and tenderhearted, even when she's hurt and hurting others. She's lashes out because I think she feels so much. She's had to grow up so fast. So fast....I think we forget that. I think we think she should be able to handle all the things she's dealing with. But she doesn't have the tools the rest of us have. I love my sister. I have always loved my sister and have always had a soft spot in my heart for her. I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything I have ever wished for her. My sister is beautiful.My sister is loving.My sister is generous.My sister is special.My sister is creative.My sister is amazing. My sister is tough.My sister is one of my favorite people. My sister makes me laugh like no other. My sister, I miss her so much sometimes. I love her. My sister, my friend. Peace Ya'll!
Good Grief the water was COLD. What is it about skinny dipping that people find so fascinating? LOL....the water was COLD. So, just to catch you up, things have been going well. I wasn't able to make my last appointment because I hurt my back. I have no idea what happened. Couldn't possibly be the terrible bed that we have? Anyway, it's been going really well. I haven't had a severe panic attack since I started the new dose of Effexor...(Tom Cruise be DAMNED!) ROFLMAO! It's also helping that my therapist is willing to go above and beyond to help me get over my fear and work my way through it. I guess it's mostly helping because I am letting myself be helped. ((((RANT COMING)))Now, remember back when I first started this thing? Some of you will recall the "deathtrap". Yes it's Baaaaaccckkkk....PIECE of SHIT!!!! Mind you the exercise is doing both of us some good, but I REALLY don't like being FORCED to exercise. We are starting a 2nd week of stair climbing. Same bullshit from the office, "It's getting fixed, we're getting it taken care of." YEAH RIGHT!! GGrr....I really hate that. We are paying an arm and a leg to live here and still they can't keep anything working. Well, I think that's it for now....Peace Ya'll! Have a blessed day!
??????? Yeah that's what I said. Huh? Apparently my therapist thinks I'm hyper-vigilent. What does this mean? Well when I asked her she said, "The way you watch your back and your aware of everything around you. It's why you locked yourself up in your house." ???? Huh? We were talking about how my father and older brother used to come into my room and take my deoderant or cologne or whatever. Without regard for the fact that it was mine, or that I was even in the room.She said they acted like I didn't exist, that I was not important. This was something that I had never thought of. When I moved out of my parents house, I slept with my bedroom door locked. (Of course I had moved in with my older brother.) But I wanted to feel safe, like no one could get to me. Now that I am not living with any of my family, my door is not locked. My therapist told me to write down how it made me feel that I was treat as "unimportant" and a "non-entity" by my father. I guess, it sucks really. I mean, I look back and certain things were really raunch. And other things were not so bad. The fact of the matter is, I feel like, that's just the way my childhood was. Like it was normal how most people think of their childhoods, until they grow up and find out that.... "WHOA! That wasn't normal at all."Right? Sure...I don't know. I told her that I didn't really care about what happened when I was a kid because I have a stepdad...who I have a hard time even calling him stepdad...he's my POP. My mom married him after she FINALLY divorced my dad. He treats me like a daughter. Like I am HIS daughter. He has never treated me any other way. He's been such a good, GREAT dad to me. It's hard for me to accept really, because I'm not used to it. I feel like he should yell or something, ya know? But he doesn't. He's so mellow and laid back. And I feel like I can talk to him about anything. Lori says that my father HAS affected me and that I need to resolve those things before we can move on....well.....how will those things EVER be resolved? Honestly?Peace Ya'll!
