Hyper-Vigilent

??????? Yeah that's what I said. Huh? Apparently my therapist thinks I'm hyper-vigilent. What does this mean? Well when I asked her she said, "The way you watch your back and your aware of everything around you. It's why you locked yourself up in your house." ???? Huh?

We were talking about how my father and older brother used to come into my room and take my deoderant or cologne or whatever. Without regard for the fact that it was mine, or that I was even in the room.

She said they acted like I didn't exist, that I was not important. This was something that I had never thought of. When I moved out of my parents house, I slept with my bedroom door locked. (Of course I had moved in with my older brother.) But I wanted to feel safe, like no one could get to me. Now that I am not living with any of my family, my door is not locked.

My therapist told me to write down how it made me feel that I was treat as "unimportant" and a "non-entity" by my father.

I guess, it sucks really. I mean, I look back and certain things were really raunch. And other things were not so bad. The fact of the matter is, I feel like, that's just the way my childhood was. Like it was normal how most people think of their childhoods, until they grow up and find out that.... "WHOA! That wasn't normal at all."

Right? Sure...I don't know. I told her that I didn't really care about what happened when I was a kid because I have a stepdad...who I have a hard time even calling him stepdad...he's my POP. My mom married him after she FINALLY divorced my dad. He treats me like a daughter. Like I am HIS daughter. He has never treated me any other way. He's been such a good, GREAT dad to me. It's hard for me to accept really, because I'm not used to it. I feel like he should yell or something, ya know? But he doesn't. He's so mellow and laid back. And I feel like I can talk to him about anything.

Lori says that my father HAS affected me and that I need to resolve those things before we can move on....well.....how will those things EVER be resolved? Honestly?


Peace Ya'll!