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Panic Shmanic....

So, I still have the occasional, panic attack. Crowds, warm places, long drives.....
I'm working on them...or rather working on me. Yeah, it's hard. It's grueling and disturbing and frustrating. Sometimes I can't really get my thoughts together. So many things running through my head. I worry about my family. I worry about me and my "family".

Lori (my therapist {isn't that soo 80's?}) tells me that I need to stop being so involved and playing the middle man in my family issues. Apparently I'm addicted to the stress? hahahaha....yea that's me!! PHUEESHAW!!

Oy to the Vey focus is so hard for me. I need a list...any suggestions? Anyone? Anyone out there? Listening? Little guidance please....

Peace ya'll!!

^--^ ANTS IN THE BATHTUB ^--^

I'm sure you've all heard of the Snakes on a Plane movie right? Well, I got ANTS in MY BATHTUB!!!!

It's an invasion! I don't know where they are coming from, they are swarming out from the walls. I kill one...and then thousands come rushing out...I'm assuming, mourning the lose of yet another loved one. I have caulked and sprayed and spakled. Still they come scurrying out.

While sitting in my lovely tub today, I began to ponder my ants. I watched as they poked their heads out of the tiniest of cracks. I'm sure they could see the giant, pale, naked woman sitting in the water. it didn't seem to phase them. They came scurrying out anyway.

They raced back and forth search for what I can only gather, could be called food. (In my shower?) No food, only body products...soaps, shampoos and the like. They are relentless.

Annoyed, I lean forward and CRUSH the tiny little buggers. What a mistake that was! apparently I angered them! I have never seen such an influx of creatures. The first few out gathered the crushed little ant body and scurried it back into the crack in the wall. The rest of them, came rushing out shouting what I can only imagine were obscenities. Shaking their little ants fists and wailing in horror.

I started to feel kind of bad. What if I killed someones brother, or sister. So willy nilly, I snuffed out this little ants life. Am I so hardened that I do not respect ALL life? I sound like a hippie now.

Granted, ants are God's creation, what they are for, I'm not sure? They seem to only come out during the summer months when I guess it's too hot inside our walls to stand it.

The angry mob is dispersing and scattering about the tub now. some of them are headed my way. I splash water onto the walls, I throw bubbles at them. They swim. They float and little angry ant voices scream as I pull the plug and watch them go down the drain.

DAMN ANTS!!! Squish Squish....

Peace Ya'll!

THe SAGA Continues!!!

Not to sound excited or anything....(note the sarcasm...) The deathtrap may actually be fixed sometime soon....

Yeah that's what I said. {insert various sounds of doubt} I've seen them working on it...I think. I mean there were several guys huddled around the open door. The promise has continued to be the end of this month...wait...isn't that tomorrow? You mean it will be fixed tomorrow?!?! YIPPEE!! Shee-ya! right... what's todays date?


<----These are the lies we've been told.







Nevermind I guess...two fat chicks walkin up and down four flights of stairs....who cares? Good exercise. Right? Yeah...PLECH! I'm done hoping. However...I am NOT done BITCHING! I will continue to harass, prode, poke, demand, and insist that this unjustice be corrected!! HUZZAH!!!!

Peace ya'll!

Where Oh Where has my little brain gone?

Well, we spent my birthday with a couple of friends. We went to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays, which has surprisingly good food. Then headed back to our friend Shannons house where we opened presents and ate cake! It was hilarious. I love our friends and was surprised by one person I had bad feelings about.

Brian Dean, whom we all call Dean decorated a wooden cross for me with my name and some flowers by hand. He pen drew them on. This is a man that I did not have good feelings about and here he surprised me with a gift that meant something to him and to me. It was a surprise.

Our friends Brandon and Micki had just gotten back from Barcelona where they purchased candy and a change purse for me....it was sooo cute.

Shannon got me a paint by numbers set so that I could practice my painting. He's soo good about gifts.

Jaime got me $25 Tate dollars which are always useful.
June bought dinner.

and Salty got me a drinking game, and some shot glasses...soo cute!

I truly love our friends and how much we all get along. They even got Jaime, June and I a birthday cake. Did I mention that our brithdays all fall around the same time? Jaime (15th), Me (19th), and June (21st). We celebrated together!

Left to right is Jaime, Me and June
at Ruby Tuesdays...






And our Cake....













Just for the record Costco makes and AMAZING Cake...Cream Cheese frosting and all!! WHOOO!!! Like the rainbow? lol

Then this weekend Katrina and I went to see X-men the last stand YEEHAW!! soo good...and today we went and finally saw the DaVinci Code...they were very true to the book. So exciting.

Therapy has been going really well. I think I am finally allowing her to help me instead of fighting against her. I'm working really hard toward getting over these issues.

Thanks for the constant prayers. I love ya's!

Peace Ya'll!

D

Deathtrap Strikes AGAIN!

So, I just put a call into Resident Relations of Aimco. Talked to a gentlemen named Tracy. I explained the problems to him that we have been having in this craphole of a complex. Naturally he was uninterested. Took my informtaion and asked me if there was anything else I wanted him to know at this time. I was like yeah....For what I'm paying in rent this place is a FUCKING SHITHOLE!!!

UGH!! I so want to get out of here!! If anyone has a spare couple grand lying around they feeling like lending me...( I will gladly pay it back)....Katrina and I would love to have our own place that's not out somewher ein the boonies. DAMMIT!!!!

Sorry....venting a little. We can afford a mortgage but apparently what we get approved for wouldn't buy a box of cardboard under I-95.

PEACE!

I gotta tell ya!

I want to talk about my baby sister. All her life I have wanted to protect her and take care of her. She's nine yrs younger than me. I remember getting into my first car accident because I was rushing out of the yard to pick her up from school. I was late. I couldn't stand it when she got hurt. I fixed her boo-boos, and I ignored her alot when I turned 15.

I always wanted a little sister. For some reason I couldn't save her from all the tomrnet she managed to get herself into. She got into some bad things as a kid. Alot of stuff she never talked about and still doesn't. I still want to take care of her. I still worry about her. But not obssesively like I used to.

She has put my family through alot of SHIT, mostly my mom. BUT, even though she's done that and made some bad decisions her heart is soo generous. She is kind, and tenderhearted, even when she's hurt and hurting others. She's lashes out because I think she feels so much. She's had to grow up so fast. So fast....I think we forget that. I think we think she should be able to handle all the things she's dealing with. But she doesn't have the tools the rest of us have.

I love my sister. I have always loved my sister and have always had a soft spot in my heart for her. I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything I have ever wished for her.

My sister is beautiful.
My sister is loving.
My sister is generous.
My sister is special.
My sister is creative.
My sister is amazing.
My sister is tough.

My sister is one of my favorite people.
My sister makes me laugh like no other.
My sister, I miss her so much sometimes.

I love her. My sister, my friend.

Peace Ya'll!

Skinny Dipping AGAIN

Good Grief the water was COLD. What is it about skinny dipping that people find so fascinating? LOL....the water was COLD.

So, just to catch you up, things have been going well. I wasn't able to make my last appointment because I hurt my back. I have no idea what happened. Couldn't possibly be the terrible bed that we have? Anyway, it's been going really well. I haven't had a severe panic attack since I started the new dose of Effexor...(Tom Cruise be DAMNED!) ROFLMAO!

It's also helping that my therapist is willing to go above and beyond to help me get over my fear and work my way through it. I guess it's mostly helping because I am letting myself be helped.

((((RANT COMING)))
Now, remember back when I first started this thing? Some of you will recall the "deathtrap". Yes it's Baaaaaccckkkk....PIECE of SHIT!!!! Mind you the exercise is doing both of us some good, but I REALLY don't like being FORCED to exercise. We are starting a 2nd week of stair climbing. Same bullshit from the office, "It's getting fixed, we're getting it taken care of." YEAH RIGHT!! GGrr....I really hate that. We are paying an arm and a leg to live here and still they can't keep anything working.

Well, I think that's it for now....

Peace Ya'll! Have a blessed day!

Hyper-Vigilent

??????? Yeah that's what I said. Huh? Apparently my therapist thinks I'm hyper-vigilent. What does this mean? Well when I asked her she said, "The way you watch your back and your aware of everything around you. It's why you locked yourself up in your house." ???? Huh?

We were talking about how my father and older brother used to come into my room and take my deoderant or cologne or whatever. Without regard for the fact that it was mine, or that I was even in the room.

She said they acted like I didn't exist, that I was not important. This was something that I had never thought of. When I moved out of my parents house, I slept with my bedroom door locked. (Of course I had moved in with my older brother.) But I wanted to feel safe, like no one could get to me. Now that I am not living with any of my family, my door is not locked.

My therapist told me to write down how it made me feel that I was treat as "unimportant" and a "non-entity" by my father.

I guess, it sucks really. I mean, I look back and certain things were really raunch. And other things were not so bad. The fact of the matter is, I feel like, that's just the way my childhood was. Like it was normal how most people think of their childhoods, until they grow up and find out that.... "WHOA! That wasn't normal at all."

Right? Sure...I don't know. I told her that I didn't really care about what happened when I was a kid because I have a stepdad...who I have a hard time even calling him stepdad...he's my POP. My mom married him after she FINALLY divorced my dad. He treats me like a daughter. Like I am HIS daughter. He has never treated me any other way. He's been such a good, GREAT dad to me. It's hard for me to accept really, because I'm not used to it. I feel like he should yell or something, ya know? But he doesn't. He's so mellow and laid back. And I feel like I can talk to him about anything.

Lori says that my father HAS affected me and that I need to resolve those things before we can move on....well.....how will those things EVER be resolved? Honestly?


Peace Ya'll!

<<< HI!!! >>>

Things have been going pretty good lately. I gotta say, something is shifting. Me and Trink have been happier, more relaxed about things.

I gotta tell ya, we had ZERO money this weekend, and ZERO food. WE were scraping sme change together to try and get some chicken for the week. On our way to the store, we checked the mail. In the mail, Katrina got a letter letting her know that she would be getting some money. Later that day, while I was walking the dog, I found a 20 dollar bill in the grass.

How COOL is GOD? Seriously? Just when we think that we are forgotten or things just can't get any worse along comes stuff like this. It's soo cool.

I hope everyone is well. Sorry I don't have much more to talk about. I'm loopy.

Peace Ya'll!

Well Gosh...

i have no idea what quiet means. ten minutes seems like a long time when you are a fidget like me. no wiggling. no noise. ten minutes with just me and my thoughts. well let's see what happens huh?

3...2...1...start the timer...

i've been playing this game conquer online. i think i may have a disorder. i LOVE it. yes i do love it...i have no idea why. it's this really just crazy rpg game. i have a couple of characters i created and i run around killing monsters and getting money. i don't really care about what the point of the game is....i really just want to get as much money as i can. my one character is a lvl 49 healer. i have a teammate who lvled me up really quickly....i try to be nice to the newbies like he was nice to me. some ppl get on there and just kill everyone, because it's a pk game...Player Kill. which means basically that anyone can just randomly come up and kill you. i don't like that. i created a character to play with my little nephew Caleb when he plays, named Aunt Saphira. i know he likes dragons.

My best friend called me today.....told me that she wouldn't be able to make our annual trip to the Ren Fest on Mar 4th. I gotta tell ya, it really is freaking me out how much that bothers me. I'm not mad at her or anything, but for the past.....10 yrs I guess, we've been going to this thing. She's never missed it. Not once. Sure she's had to cut it short some times, but never missed it. I'm truly bugged by this. It's nothing she can do anything about, but it bugs me. I'm sad, and quite disappointed.

5 minutes left and I'm using this really pale yellow so that I don't correct anything that I may make a mistake on. I can't see what I'm typing so if there are typos...Oh well! I'm finding that I am happier and more energetic since my Dr. changed my perscritption. Upped my dose of Effexor. Yeah...head drugs....me and my loopy head. I am almost starting to feel normal again. Whatever normal is. More like myself. My 9ld self. that used to go out and have fun and not worry about panic attacks. I miss the old me. I want to get back to the point where I can do things by myself. I walkec with Lana to the appointment with my therapist. I'm gonna try and go by myself this time. Friday is my nbext appt. and I will walk over alone. It's part of the desentizition. Getting used to things that make me uncomfortable and not making such a big deal out of them. r

Fear is like this dense fog in front of you that you can't walk through, and when you try to go around it, it just keep sgetting bigger and bigger until you are paralyzed. I'm learning to walk through the fog and into the sunshine on the other side.... I am tired of being afraid of nothing. I want to liv e my life again.

1 minute and this is what's come out.

Peace Ya'll!! Check back soon!!

Desensitizing has begun....

Well, my first session went VERY well. I walked to my therapists office with my puppy and didn't panic, and didn't call anyone. I was so excited. I was so proud of myself. Lori said I did really well and so did Trink. It seems so simple to me. Something I should do easily, but it's not easy for me. I have to remember that. Every step I take little or not, is a step I am taking to get better.

GO ME!!!

Peace ya'll!!!

~~Systematic Desensitization ~~

Yeah for therapy!! This is what my therapist and I are working on. Started back up on Satruday. Apparently I'm a control freak. Who knew that my panic disorder stemmed from me needing to be in control of my environment. So Thursday she said I should walk to my apartment with my puppy. She's only about a block away. Now, all I can think about is walking there and not being able to call Katrina. Lori...(my therapist) told me that I was NOT ALLOWED to call Katrina if I started panicking on the way there. I am to call her. So, now that's all I can think about.

How is this helping my panic? I have no idea....but it's helpful that i'm aware of what I'm feeling right??? Right....sure....


Peace ya'll!

Ever Wonder....?

What your words do? Seriously......think about it....sometimes words hurt more than anything else we can do to somebody. Especially someone we love. Is it because we know them so well? And we know just what to say to make them mad, sad, hurt, confused, annoyed? Why do we lash out when we shouldn't?

I've been thinking about words today. It's amazing sometimes what happens when we say certain things. Like, "I love you." or..."I'm sorry."....or..."I'm an idiot" Words can lift you up or tear you down. I don't think we take words seriously enough. I think we abuse them and take them for granted.

It seems we have an endless supply of words....expressive and emotive..... ie.... SHIT! FUCK! DAMN! Curse words yes, but SOOO expressive.... and can be used in such a variety of ways.

Today my words are wounding and callous. Today I suffer for my lack of thoughtfulness. Words can really fuck up your program sometimes. Sometimes words aren't enough..... sometimes silence is GOLDEN.

Peace Ya'll

Friday....and where is my incentive???

So, I've been playing this game online with my little brother. He's always getting me into new games....(shame on him). I haven't much been keeping track like I had intended. SHOCKER. The plan is to go shopping this weekend for "good stuff" and throw away all the bad stuff in the house. It's just one of those things.

Also, I think we're gonna try looking for a new place to live again. I hate this frickin place. It's making me nuts and probably making us sick. A whole lot to think about. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I'm ashamed of myself for not being better at this.....but if you fall....you might as well get back up right???

Right.

Peace ya'll!

Monday Monday....la la la la la

Hey Ya'll!!! Long time no talky...... Brain brain go away....
So, if you've never done it, I suggest that for just one day....you write down everything you eat. Don't try and keep track of calories at first....just get an idea of what goes in....ya know? WHooooo!!! I'm gonna try it here....... talk about CRAZY!!! This is what I had this weekend.

UGH!!...

5pieces of fried dough with cinnamon and sugar.
4cheesy garlic biscuits.
chicken, brown rice, and cheesey saucy burrito.
glass of chocolate milk and scoop of peanut butter.
3 HUGE glasses of water.
Bowl of Smart Start cereal.
2 Blueberry Eggo waffles
glass of strawberry milk.
left over chicken cheesy, brown rice burrito....
5 leftover fried dough pieces.
3 Huge glasses of water.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!

What about you guys???? Drop me a note and let me know what you eat in a day??? Or a weekend!! I'm curious what everyone eats.!

PEACE YA'LL!!

MERRY NEW YEAR!!!

Lana sure had fun on Christmas morning. What a great holiday we had. It was good to spend time with our family and friends. We went to our friends Brandon and Micki'e house in WPB for Christmas Eve and Secret Santa gift exchange. What a great idea that was. Me and my secret santa had each others names. And we got each other pretty much the SAME thing! Me and My Santa Shannon! We got to meet Micki's folks who were visiting from Washington. We had heard so much about them! What a great time we had! I'm always amazed at how awesome our friends our. We have this GREAT circle of support for everything.

Then for New years....we went back up to Brandon and Micki's....and WHOOO BOY!! Things were CRAZY!!!! I drank a little..... Trink drank a little Everyone had a great time.....

We laughed and hugged and remembered our friend Stella who passed away in May. We cried, for missing her. What a tremendous blessing she was to our lives... we were all grateful to have known her.


So, this year things are gonna change....you will see a healthier Donna and a healthier Katrina....hopefully this will serve as some sort of accountability for us. It's just about that time....this is NOT a resolution...it's a life CHANGE!!

May you all have a happy, healthy, prosperous NEW YEAR! Love and appreciate the ANGELS in your life!

Peace ya'll!

Where've I Been?

I've had my nose in some books....that's where i've been. Reading the Left Behind Series....I can't seem to put those books down. I've been Christmas Wrapping and looking forward to hanging out with friends and family. Creatively, I'm in a slump. My brain is swimming.

I finally gave in and signed up for Classmates, so that I could reconnect with some old friends. To my surprise I had a message waiting for me. It's really cool when poeple pass through your mind and then you're able to contact them. So its been really cool to find out how some of my old friends are doing. Surprising but, really, really cool.

I've had a bunch of ideas for my stories in my head, but I can't seem to focus and get them in order.

It's cold outside today...HAHAH....55 degrees.....perfect for me! COld for Florida....

I'm babbling.....

Peace ya'll!
F

Little Life Lesson.....

Just for the record, HOT instant oatmeal WILL Burn the SHIT out of your hand. Yes, I thought I would have myself a nice bowl of vanilla, cinnamon oatmeal. I took it out of the microwave and it somehow sloshed onto my hand. Now, hot oatmeal is like NAPALM on your frickin hand! I didn't know what to do first drop the bowl or stuff my hand in the freeze. I dropped the bowl and stuck my hand under some cold water. The oatmeal however, STUCK to my hand, burned my fingers and continued to burn well after the water had rinsed it away. Yeah, so if you're feel for some oatmeal, DON'T SPILL IT ON YOUR HAND!

Peace Ya'll!

And Then There Were 3......

Let's pick up where we left off....home safely at my mother's. No sleep and hungry. Did I mention that? Yeah, well.....okay. So, we are keeping my grandmother company, God bless her she's got alzheimer's. It sucks because she tells the best stories, but over and over and over again. I try to ask her questions to make her thing of other details, but somehow she manages to just re-tell the story. I love her so much and it makes me sad that this happens. Finally my mom gets home with the kids from the wedding that she participated in. She had made a pot of beef stew for us, but it didn't look quite finished. We sat around while my mom puttered with the stew..... now, usually my mom is a GREAT cook, but this stew....EEEWWW!

We sat and chatted and I could feel my throat and my ears getting sore. I woke up on Friday morning with a bunch o'congestion. I figured it was my normal morning stuff. No such luck....enter sinus infection stage left.

Well, what are ya gonna do?? So, we enjoyed my family, my niece and nephew. Sunday morning, we walked down to the lake. Lana was having the best time ever! We took the kids down to throw rocks into the lake and wouldn't you know that my crazy dog just jumped right on in and went looking for the rocks. Weirdo! It was so cold, I was worried that she would get sick. YEah right! Her and Flash, (my Pop's dog) were having so much fun! My brother and his family came over to see us. It was crazy! So many kids running around like looney tunes. We had a good time! We went shopping with my mom for turkey day. My pregnant sister and the kids. I was feeling worse and worse. We baked, we cooked. It was relaxing, and good to be with my family.

Every morning that we were there, my pop would get up and cook breakfast for me and the kids.

THAT's My POP and my little bro.
French toast and bacon....it was AWESOME!! I LOVED the weather. It was cool in the mornings and would warm up in the afternoon. The leaves were beautiful. Katrina got to sleep in as much as she wanted or could. My mom's house is kinda crazy. I kept feeling worse and eventually lost my voice. My mom took me to her doctor and he gave me MAJOR antibiotics. I started feeling better right away. Then, wouldn't you know it Katrina started getting sick. Not good she has bad, bad tonsils. So, we tried to keep her away from my grandma.
We ate yummy turkey dinner, made a fire and roasted marshmallows, and played cards. It was fun but no good that we were feeling so lousy. My sister kept having labor pains, it was frustrating. What can you do? Doctors don't like to come in during the holidays. We tried to just enjoy our last couple of days there and relax. Things were starting to get hectic as they usually do around my family. OY! Saturday morning, we loaded up the car, ate breakfast, and got on the road. I tried so hard not to cry. I LOVE being in Arkansas, the mood is so different. People are nicer, and it's just so quiet there. We waved goodbye and hit the road again. Poor Lana, was so sad. She couldn't understand why were leaving the best dog park EVER! I drove, because it was daylight and poor Katrina was feeling HORRIBLE!!!! I made it all the way to Jackson, Ms. We got on yet ANOTHER funky road because there were no signs for 98 South. Oh MY GOD!! It was TERRIBLE!! More scary road, just trying to find our way. Rain, bridges, and all the dark, inky black darkness. No lights, no houses, SCARY for us. We just needed to find our way. FINALLY we get on 98 North so we can make a u-turn and go South.

Katrina Got us to Pensacola around midnight that night. We had planned on stopping so we wouldn't be exhuasted again. We stopped at the Red Roof Inn off of I-10. Lana got to stay in the room with us. What adventures Katrina and I have. It was pouring rain when we woke up in the morning. We got gas, got breakfast and off we went again at about 7a.m. The closer we got to 75 the worse and worse traffic got. Oh my goodness it was terrible. Literally a CRAWL. We should've been home around 4:30 in the afternoon and didn't get home until almost 8p.m. Katrina felt lousy, luckily she had Monday off to try and re-couperate. As we pulled into our parking lot a terrible thought entered my mind..... The Deathtrap. Would it be working? What will we do if it's not working?

Katrina took Lana to go potty....I went to check the deathtrap. Oh surprise it's NOT WORKING!!! I just want to pull my hair out!! I RUN, yes, RUN up 3 flights of stairs where said trap is stuck. I am determined to beat it into submission. I kick, I push, I jump. Finally the doors close and it begins to go to the 1st floor. Now, most sane people wouldn't EVER get into this DAMN thing, but not me. I have this fucker under my control. I get Katrina, we unpack the car and get in the elevator. No problems, it takes us up to the 4th floor. We get stuff into the house and have to make one more trip. Katrina decides that she will do this. She heads downstairs gets the rest of the stuff and gets back into the deathtrap. It comes up 2 1/2 floors and jerks to a halt. It starts up again and jerks to a halt. It finally releases her onto the 4th floor. I am going to blow the damn thing up I SWEAR!! I hate this FRICKIN place!! UGH!!

Home in our bed, in our home..... SLEEP..... THANK GOD we got home safe. Now I gotta get Katrina to the doctor. Monday morning, she goes and we get her antibiotics. We also went to see HArry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!! YEAH!! Awesome movie...NOT for kids at ALL!!

Okay, I'm tired now. I feel like I just went through all that driving again.

Peace ya'll!!